Wednesday (in a) Fog

(Disclaimer: I’m testing out this new, self-devised template for my posts, not because it will generate exciting content – there’s a chance my writing becomes more mundane and rambling than ever – but because I hope it motivates me to share here more often. I write every day but my thoughts usually don’t make it much farther than the pages of my old notebook and, if they do, they sit in the draft folder of this blog. I’m not under the illusion that anyone other than my sister reads these posts, but at the very least they’ll be more organized and lasting for myself. So here goes day one of my experiment: write – however much or little – scan quickly for typos, and post.)

Date & Time:
Wednesday, November 6. It’s just after 7am and I’m groggy. The only reason I’m even out of bed is because Thomas is getting ready for work and as soon as he starts opening drawers and heating oatmeal in the microwave I wake up and can’t fall back asleep. I’m usually a morning person but have felt heavy the past few days – exhausted and a little sad – so I haven’t been getting up early. By this time most mornings I’ve already drank an iced coffee, written my daily to-do list, and responded to some work emails, so that when Thomas’ alarm goes off and he stumbles out of bedroom to the bathroom I’m hyped up on caffeine and dancing to music through my headphones (“Maddy, wtf, why don’t you sleep?”).

Location:
Home sweet home. I’m in no rush to work out or get to the office this morning, so I’m savoring the additional time in my sweatpants.

Weather:
Grey, and a little foggy. Chilly in the morning. I like when the weather matches my mood. (Or does my mood match the weather?! Chicken or the egg?!)

Listening to:
Judah and the Lion’s cover of Tom Petty’s “I Won’t Back Down.”

Usually I’m like, “Why the F do we have to add banjos to everything?” (I’m looking at you, Mumford & Sons) but this cover bangs. It’s also one of my favorite Tom Petty songs and the lyrics were just what I needed this morning after feeling overwhelmed and a little hopeless.

You know how some days you wake up and feel as though you can take the entire world on… and others you can barely get out of bed and those same routine events – going to work, meeting up with friends, doing the dishes – seem so formidable? When you start asking yourself “what’s the point?” before undertaking things you’d normally do without a second thought? Sometimes — despite probably sacrificing a lot of what makes me human —  I wish I could always go through the motions like that, thoughtlessly and robotically, because to have any sort of thought around “what’s this motion’s purpose?” makes me depressed. I hope that for some people asking the question of purpose is a useful exercise; that it helps them prioritize what’s important and meaningful in their lives. But for me, most of the time, it leads to rumination and feelings of hopelessness.

Reading:
Three weeks later, I’m still reading The Goldfinch. To be fair, it is an ~800 page novel, but I’m not used to taking this long to get through a book! It’s… interesting, to say the least, but I enjoyed it more when I first started reading because now I kind of just want it to end. It won the 2014 Pulitzer Prize so I’m curious to Google it and read others’ reviews and reactions, which of course I can’t do until I’m finished for fear of encountering a spoiler! Just writing these words makes me want to do a quick search but I must remain strong! I might be one of the only people who genuinely misses high school English class because at least the teacher would discuss books with me. (Yes, I know I should join a book club, but that requires coordination and not necessarily getting to choose which books I read.)