Candy Corn Contemplations

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It’s a Sunday Sunday. Meaning:

  • I left the house only once, which was to go to Target for toilet bowl cleaner, and ended up buying a big bag of candy corn that I finished on the walk home.
  • I told myself I’d cook the tofu and kale I bought earlier this week (in a fleeting moment of grocery-store-optimism) for lunch; instead, I ate slices of bread with cheese and a mixing bowl full of popcorn.
  • Every time I catch myself in the mirror I have thoughts about how lazy, ugly, useless, etc. etc. etc. I am.
  • I sat on the couch and watched almost two hours of YouTube videos and if you ask me what I watched I genuinely would not be able to tell you.
  • Then, I mindlessly scrolled on Twitter until Thomas – who has been diligently doing school work all day – asked me what I was doing and I felt so guilty that I put down my computer for an hour.

Wait.

Something about writing that list was oddly cathartic. Instead of further internalizing these shame-filled, self-deprecating thoughts and letting them dictate (read: ruin) the rest of my evening, I’ve shared them with you which, incidentally, has meant that I now feel a level of separation between myself and those thoughts. Here’s a garbage doodle of what I mean:

I couldn’t separate myself from my thoughts before writing that list. Now, they are still there, but they feel a little further away. My thoughts != me.

After sharing all of the ways in which I’ve “let myself down” and “been unproductive” today, these negative thoughts have transformed into humorous anecdotes. This blog is basically free therapy!!! Thanks, reader!!! Maybe you and I both can laugh at the image of me trudging down the street at 9am eating candy corn pumpkins for breakfast???

Candy Corn - Imgflip
Related: your annual reminder^

Oh! In the blistering heat of hating myself, I forgot to mention that not only did I end up cleaning the toilet bowls, but I also did my laundry (and Thomas’. #bestwifeever. #butimafeministthough).

Ohhhh nothing cheers me up like a good Bitmoji.
A nice visual representation of me feeling like sh*t but also laughing about it! Thanks, Bitmoji!

The original intent of this post, for the record, was to recount moments of happiness from the past week. While it may have briefly transitioned into a more pessimistic broadcast, I will now share its optimistic half. Without further ado,

Maddy’s Moments of Happiness (Which Are Really Just an Excuse to Share Sunset Photos), Week of September 20, 2020:

— I watched one of the most beautiful sunsets I’ve seen in awhile from our rooftop with Thomas:

— I went for a walk around the block and felt transported to the desert when I came across a garden full of succulents and bright flowers, and then again to an entirely different fall-forest-world by the bright read leaves of one of my favorite trees in Berkeley:

— A friend got me a gift card to a popular bakery in Berkeley! The thought of waiting in a long weekend line for a trendy spot means I haven’t gone yet, but I plan to start my week off right with some delicious pastries on Monday morning.

— I read a good book. Actually, I read three good books this week. (I need to find hobbies other than reading.) Pictured here is the happiest of these book-reading moments as it came paired with rosé and tortilla chips on a Friday afternoon:

— Two (!!!!!!) of our friend-couples got engaged!!!!! I didn’t realize how desperate I was for moments of love and joy until one of them FaceTimed us from across the country to share the news and I started sobbing. It was kind of awkward because the guy in said couple is Thomas’ friend so I don’t think it made sense to anyone that I was crying tears of happiness while Thomas, of course, remained relatively calm.

So, as we begin another week, here’s to the small moments of joy that keep us going…

…even on a Sunday when the best we can do is clean the toilet and show up again tomorrow.

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