I woke up this morning, brushed my teeth, and did the dishes. All I do is the dishes. I need more hobbies. And less dishes. And better strategies for coping with my anxiety and need for control.
Thomas made toaster waffles for breakfast instead of his usual oatmeal so that was exciting. He still ate the waffles though, as he does the oatmeal, with mini frozen blueberries that stain our plates and his teeth bright purple.
I had an 8am work meeting that got cancelled at 7:59am, which was frustrating because I’d intentionally changed out of my pajamas and into presentable Zoom attire three hours ahead of schedule. Now I’m all dressed up with nowhere to go virtually dial into.
In my newly-free hour I did a bit of work and then a bit of sketching (see: alternative methods of coping with anxiety).
You will notice in the background the playlist that has been my soundtrack for the past few months; I haven’t updated the title since I created it in July, but you could really substitute in any month at this point. It should now read: “October’s a messsssss.”
In the spirit of messiness, my mantra for this week is something I wrote down in my notebook a few days ago: “I am making room for all the parts of myself.”
I am making room for the “dumb” parts, the “boring” parts, the “unworthy” parts of myself. The parts that – in my attempts to always appear smart and funny and thoughtful, and in my great fear of coming across as stupid or boring or worthless – I suppress.
I am afraid of the “unimpressive” parts of myself, the ones that aren’t worthy of praise or recognition. But those are parts of me nonetheless, and the more I deny their existence the more I reinforce my belief that I’m only worthwhile because of the impressive parts.
Maybe sharing these posts is a way for me to conquer that fear; to express all the parts of myself – even the dumb, unpolished ones that just write about coffee and binge watch “Selling Sunset” – more authentically. To say, in other words, “This is me, take it or leave it!”
I am making room for all the parts of myself. Let’s see which Maddy shows up today…
